My own Atheism
So it’s rare that I talk about my own atheism. No one ever talks to me about religion in real life (well, aside from the occasional off handed comment about god this or god that), and forums aren’t exactly the best place to spill your guts about how you got to where you’re at. I hope you enjoy my path to atheism.
I first went to a church when I was 6 years old. I didn’t really know anything about religion except the odd mention of this “god” guy every now and then. My new best friend that I just moved next door to, told me that the church down the street gives kids free stuff for coming on certain days. He then promptly whipped out this shiny gold lock, and my brain went into “ooh shiny!” mode. So I had to go to this church place and find out what this was all about.
I go to this church, and it seems a little strange to me. There’s these pictures and pasted things all over the place, and the whole building seems a little…odd. I get ushered off to the kids room with my friend, and there’s all these kids there. What do the church people start to talk to us about? Noah’s Ark! Now, I was the 1st grader who was always checking out science books, and whose grandmother bought him a subscription for “Zoobooks”. I immediately called bullshit on this little story. I mean, all the animals of the world fitting on a little boat, and the world getting flooded…What about the insects? How could he fit millions of different bugs on that boat? And BLECH! Who wants to be around all those bugs! I hate bugs!
Well, despite how ridiculous that little story was, I kept going. I enjoyed being around other kids, and not being picked on or being made fun of. I got to watch little videos, or do arts and crafts things most every week. They’d prod me to show up on sunday, which I rarely did because it was soooooo boring, and I had to dress up as well. I honestly don’t remember if I ever asked my parents to come to church with me. I certainly don’t remember a time that they ever went. Come to think of it, I don’t even know what my parents thought of religion. Pretty sure my dad was christian-ish, but my mom seems like she’d be more agnostic, or maybe “christian by association”. I know she doesn’t push my siblings toward any religion, so I’m thankful for that.
As I continued to grow up and life happened, I kept seeking refuge at this church. I even went to other friend’s churches. I never lost my love with science, and it seemed an obvious problem that religion and science just could NOT be reconciled. I seriously tried! I did everything I could think of to mix the two, and whenever I talk to a grown up about mixing the two, they rolled their eyes and dismissed me. For a kid who loved science and had an IQ in the 98th percentile in the 2nd grade…religion just wasn’t cutting it. I kept going though.
I got involved in my church’s youth group, I went on youth “retreats”, I even did a missions trip to an orphanage in Georgia. I LOVED that trip. I met and hung out with some awesome girls, spent time with friends, and got to help rebuild a playground. I was pressured into being “saved” more than a few times. So I always did my thing, walked up to [insert location] get on my knees, raise a hand up, and proclaim [insert something about Jesus]. I tried…I really did try so hard to believe. I couldn’t believe in some guy in the sky watching over me when I just felt like I KNEW better. People would sing songs about Jesus and what not, and I’d just mumble along or not even sing. I always felt funny saying things about “god” or “Jesus”.
For the longest time, bible stories just felt like fairy tales to me. I put things like “David and Goliath” right there with “Jack and the Bean Stalk”. Of course, they neglect to tell you in sunday school that David cuts off Goliath’s head and parades it around in front of everyone else. It didn’t dawn on me for a very long time that people believed these things to actually be TRUTH. When I discovered that…I was frightened to be honest. How could adults honestly believe this stuff? This book was written 2000 years ago, and we know so much more than we ever did then! As soon as I could no longer attend youth group due to being too old, I just left the church altogether. I now had the freedom to hang out with my friends at will, since I could drive and stuff, and I had a job!
I discovered the internet (hey, I’m old, shut up) and it was time to meet girls! Yes, I’m a nerd, don’t judge me. I ended up meeting a girl that lived in Pittsburgh, and I became smitten with her. One of her favorite things about me was that I *gulp* shared her religion. We hit it off, I wanted to meet this girl (who was 3 years younger than me) and I sincerely hoped things would go well. As expected, they didn’t. We met up, and well…that’s a story for another time. I will tell you that I went to church with her, and felt so foolish. I had never felt like that in a church before. I was so out of place! With that fact, and as poorly as that weekend visit went, I was just done.
Religion just sort of went on the back burner at that point. I didn’t care about it in the slightest. I guess I still called myself a christian, I didn’t even realize I had other options. I clearly wasn’t Jewish, and Islam was just more Christianity in a different dress. I met another girl, married said girl, and continued to roll my eyes at any mention of god or Jesus. I resisted any sort of religion, whether it was invitations to church, or people wanting a religious wedding, or whatever. Then I learned this word “Atheist”.
Wait wait wait…you mean it’s okay to not believe in any sort of gods? I can finally live my life without having to call myself something I’m not? Fantastic! Then I learned that Atheists aren’t exactly popular. Meh, who cares? I’ve never been really popular. Once again, religion just kinda got pushed aside, because I had to live life, and no one I was ever around seemed to really care about religion. Sure they called themselves christians, but as most people know, calling yourself christian doesn’t make you christian. Hell, most christians say other people aren’t christians unless they do X, Y, and Z, which pertains to things only taught in their church. There’s so many different sects of that crap, and they all seemingly hate each other, at least under their breath and behind closed doors.
Then there was the turning point…my father died. It wasn’t that he just died suddenly, I had to watch him waste away to nothing over a month period. There’s a lot more to that story too, but again, that’s for another time. I thought a lot about life and death during that time. I had to arrange for his memorial. I agreed to have it in a church, since most of my father’s side is religious. My uncle who is a pastor insisted on doing some speaking. I agreed to it, but I insisted that we have people come up and offer little speeches about my father, like memories and stories and what not. I knew he would want that.
So the day of the memorial comes. Leave it to my mother to lighten the mood. We had gotten a picture of him from his younger days, and framed it for this. She made the comment as she got into my car “Maybe I should sit on this picture. Your daddy would love for me to sit on his face” EW! THANKS MOM. Anyway, the thing starts. My uncle kicks it off and throws it over to me. I give an 8 minute speech, and I have the crowd laughing. It was a good time, exactly as I wanted. Then my uncle…the pastor…gets up there. He spends two minutes on my father, then TWENTY EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES on Jesus! It was a fucking sermon, and midway through, he stops and turns to me in front of everyone, and asks “Did your father ever take you to church?”, knowing god damned well I’m a fucking atheist. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to do it so bad. My wife luckily was able to calm me down. Needless to say, I don’t want to see that man ever again.
My uncle robbed me of closure. I had people coming up to me afterwards saying how they wanted to say things about my father, but couldn’t. After that…my mind just broke. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. No emotions, not even love, and I could only focus on the bad things. I hated everything, and it all just seemed wrong. My emotions swung all over the place when I felt anything. It did lead to my eventual divorce. That of course led to a lot of introspection. That’s when I stumbled across the “New Atheist” movement. People that thing very similarly to me, people that are well versed on most religion, or at least know how to argue against it.
These people have had experiences similar to mine, and they generally love the scientific method. I was so happy to discover this, and though it took me some time, I now wear the Atheist tag proudly. I’m glad to count myself among them as an atheist blogger. I don’t update nearly as much as I should, but I’m glad that I even have a blog where I can express these things. I hope that I can one day actually do something to further atheism, or at least help dispel the MANY misconceptions about atheists.
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed my little story, and it’s helped you understand more about me. As a thanks for all the reading, enjoy one of my new favorite songs:
And as always, may you be touched by His noodly appendage!
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